Onward Chicken Soldier

Chuck's Redneck Getaway with Camevil

2009-07-29T14:05:00.000-07:00

*Guest post by Camevil*

Chuck arrived at my office just in time to join me for the big weekend event 'o the summer: Dragwway 42's Rock n Race held in West Salem, Ohio. To prepare Chuck for a weekend of cars, beer, fried food on a stick and redneck depravity, I sat him down at my desk and advised him on the State's age of consent, fireworks, firearms, DUI and sodomy laws:

We then packed up and set up camp at the raceway's grounds. Here's Chuck marking his territory at the campsite, as kindly suggested by the the dogs:

Chuck then chillaxes before one of the drag races, with a stolen bottle of Camevil's prized Strongbow:

Chuck and Goji meet for the first time. It was anti-climactic, as Goji was more interested in the tater chips:

Fast Eddie tries to hump Chuck, who is apparently a bottom:

Chuck, perhaps imbibing in too much liquid joy, attempts to steal this Mustang and enter the next race. Of course, being unable to reach the gas pedal proved his undoing:

He did, however, re-enact his favorite scene from Death Proof:

Unfortunately for Chuck, "choking the chicken" is a joke that fails to age amongst rednecks, as these people demonstrate with disturbing gusto:

Chuck rocks out to the smooth tunes of Bobzilla's band, Horror of '59:

His zealous attraction to Bobzilla was embarrassing, actually, as he attempts to "cock" block the other fans from rushing the stage:

But Chuck's antics are rewarded with a little tongue action by Bobzilla:

Later that evening, while I went to relieve myself, Chuck turns up missing. Oh noes!:

Where, oh where, could he be?

BUSTED! The cock-snatcher is caught:

Chuck is safely in my custody once again. Rejoice.

Diva and I get cozy with Chuck. "The first taste is free, ladies."

As the festivities went on, someone thought it a good idea to turn Chuck into a party favor. This random redneck demonstrates the practicality of having a rubber chicken beer dispenser:

And of course, everyone else wanted in on the action:

(say, I think that guy was cheating!)

...well, except the more sober ones:

Diva and I show Chuck a good time by making a boobie sammich:

And he was passed around to various campsites that evening until the late hours of the morning.

Before sending him on the way to the next host, I attempted to wash away his sins. Somehow, though, I don't think he'll ever be clean.

Chuck saga to be continued from somewhere in the U.K., I believe....

Part 3: Life ain't nothin' but chicken and moneh...

2009-07-14T16:38:00.000-07:00

On Chuck's last day in town, he totally lost his mind. He went out into the desert and did some peyote and I spent the rest of the day trying to keep his ass outta trouble. UNSUCCESSFULLY, might I add.

He started the day innocently enough...hanging out with some chicks. They looked underage to me, but he said he checked IDs.

I know Carlos said not to call him Charles, but Chuck told me he don't mind getting formal if there's ladies involved.

A little later in the evening, Chuck disappeared. I found him HOURS later in a penthouse suite losing all track of his morals. What I found was pretty disturbing.

The dude with the tan said he just wanted to watch...

...But that turned out to be a LIE!

You kiss your mother with that mouth?!

Holy shit, where'd that GIANT CAT come from?

I left the scene after this because my heart was broken. I can't believe this dude has the nerve to come visit me and DITCH me for some skanky strippers and a giant cat. Makes me sick!

I gave up on Chuck and went home to drown my sorrows in Ben & Jerrys Key Lime Pie Ice Cream, but when I walked in the door, he was already there! It's a good thing I showed up when I did, because he was about to become Sunday dinner :(

Seems poor Chuck let his gambling habits get the best of him. I told him you can't fuck with the loan sharks in this town. Look at that guy! HE'S GOT CRAZY EYE! We worked out a payment plan...don't worry, guys.

What can I say? It was a long three days. If you're thinking about letting Chuck stay a while with you, keep in mind that he is a crazy mofo. Take some days off and hide your credit cards.

All packed up and on the way to ruin Camevil's life.

Part 2: The Skrip.

2009-07-13T17:16:00.000-07:00

I dunno if you guys know this, but Chuck's pretty lazy. I offered to take him to the strip to see the sites, but he just wanted to hit up a liquor store and find the cheapest whore in town. Therefore, his pictures from the strip were shitty, at best.

Here we are at the famous Welcome to Las Vegas sign. As soon as we drove up, I noticed a tour bus full of old people pull up beside us. I know you're supposed to respect your elders and all that noise, but I knew Chuck wouldn't wait for all those oldies (but goodies!) to figure out how to work those new-fangles cameras, so we hauled ass to beat them up the walkway. Good thing too, cause GOD THEY WERE SLOW! Cute, but slow.

So I told Alex to take Chuck up to the sign and take the picture but then this Swedish dude was all "HULLOWOULDYOULIKEHMETOTAKEPICSHUH?" "Huh?" Then he just took my camera from me in the international language of "get your fat ass up there." So I did it! Our first family portrait. THANKS SWEDEN! First Ikea, now this...

Here's me and Chuckory chillin' waiting for the Bellagio water show to start.

It gets better than this, but it's hard to get an unruly chicken and unpredictable water fountains together for one shot. This was like the 50th take!

Eiffel Tower!

Eatin' balls!

Dry humpin...

Omg, look at that fanBOI!

So...Chuck's last night in town got a little outta hand. I'll be posting the pictures tomorrow but be warned that shit gets...a little crazy. Put the children to bed before you log in tomorrow night.

Here's a teaser:

Chuck Does Fremont.

2009-07-09T18:13:00.000-07:00

I decided to do this in segments so as to not cause overstimulation. FYI, taking pictures with Chuck is hard because he's usually drunk and he wobbles all around and can be a beligerant asshole. Some people just can't handle their liquor. Here we go...Las Vegas, Part One.

Since Chuck is a dirty, filthy freak, we decided to take him to where the dirty filthy freaks hang out. Fremont Street! This is the part of town where you can buy a fried Twinkie, a dildo, some crystal meth and a PBR tallboy on the same corner. Clearly Chuck felt at home here.

We started off in my dirty dirty car...

When we got onto the Fremont strip, Chuck saw a fattie fat goose and got instant wood. As Chuck always says, "birds of a feather fuck together." I don't think that's the saying, but I make it a point to not argue with alcoholics.

We saw this soundstage and Chuck made many jokes about "69! heh heh!". He is teeny tiny, can you even see him??

So we saw this sign outside Binion's that said TAKE YOUR PICTURE FOR FREE WITH ONE MILLION DOLLARS! Since these are wealths that losers like me and Chuck can only dream about, we were all over this! I told the lady it was my son's class project and she begrudgingly agreed to let Chuck get his thrills.

She couldn't seem to figure out the logistics of taking a picture of a damn rubber chicken and she just kept turning him to moon me.

"No...turn it like...the other way."

"oh, like this?"

"you did not move him."

"OH, like THIS?"

"..."

"OH LIKE THIS?"

"yeah, perfect, thanks."

Whatever, at least you guys get to see Chuck's perfect ass. A two-fer.

Chuck is very into puns. And they are ALWAYS intended, you dig?

Here's Chuck with Big Tex. I agree the lighting is shitty. Let's just move on, eh?

Chuck met this lovely (?) lady outside of MERMAIDS. She gave him a string of beads and a loveless tit job. Only cost him 2 bucks. (Yes, this picture really cost 2 dollars...apparently these bitches only pose for tips.) Mermaids had the most skankiest girls I've seen in quite some time. This one was Princess Diana compared to the other two who refused to even be on camera. Chuck was obviously in heaven. He likes his women like he likes his chicken feed...cheaper by the pound.

That's it for Fremont! There was even less to see there than I remembered. Tomorrow we'll chronicle Chuck's trip through the Las Vegas strip without ever getting outta the car. Get ready to be blown away by the overall shittiness of my photography skills.